Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Has anyone ever stole your Voice?

Has anyone ever stole your voice? Your right to speak, to say your stance or worse stolen your right to stay silence when you felt those words weren't ready to be spoken?

Sunday I had to take our son to the doctor for the Flu. Everyone in the house has been coming down with it. Being a Sunday it wasn't our usual doctor. We went to another facility, seeing a new face, so I trust only being prudent he reviews my sons medical history in brief. "So I see he has Autism....", what the hell did this guy just say in front of my son? Was my first thought. We had never spoken to ours son about his diagnosis. We had never asked him if he felt different in any way, brought any sort of awareness to the subject. As far as this kid knew he was just like every other kid at school. He is in Mainstream classes, pretty popular and really just a pretty regular kid. None of his Aspergers type issues appear in front of most people for the most part. Though he may seem a little different, it's not overtly obvious.

Let's real quick get a little understanding what this can be like to have a child with Autism. There is a wide range. Our son has been labeled Aspergers High Functioning. For those unfamiliar it can appear like avoidance to social settings in large groups. High ability to excel in certain academic areas usually math and may cause a deficiency in others such as reading. Some Asperger kids have "habits", Ticks" such as humming, binding or grabbing the shirt, rolling of the hands or pacing.

Now back to our office visit, this kid is sick as can be and just overheard this doctor indicate a hot topic word such as "Autism", applied to him... What do I do with this as a mother? Beyond my thinking this doctor has just made a huge decision for our family, I first became angry with the doctor for doing so. I was truly pissed at his lack of thinking maybe this family has not had "That Discussion". "That Discussion", seems to me like having the "Sex talk" with our kids we do it and maybe it's easy, maybe not but still requires the "right" moment. At least the mind perceives.

I soon, fell into softness...  The doctor had no idea that we had not had "That Discussion", he is truly trying to care and serve my child. I didn't question that.The anger that I thought that was towards the doctor had shifted to me. Then shifted again. I was momentarily angry at myself for not telling him sooner, then let that go. What did happen is after we finished up there was that comment made by the doctor opened the door for a discussion that needed to happen. Our son, age 14 certainly old enough to have this awareness. Other times I had tried to start the conversation and it just didn't flow, I stopped. This time it came out so naturally, with sweet softness and was received with acceptance.

I can't recall my exact words but I asked if he remembered the doctor saying he had Autism? He asked what it meant. So I shared what that looked like for him. I went on to share that one of his brothers has Asthma and how that affects him, two of his brothers and myself have Migraines and how they affect each one of us differently. Moreover than anything, that we all have a little something about us, that is what makes us unique and also beautiful.

My son can tell you the difference between space and time and has been able to do so since age 9-10, so crazy. He also knows every dinosaur and the period they lived in with incredible details. He is exceptional in Math. We all have our things about us, find beauty in all of it. Everything is exactly as it is supposed to be. Each moment, even if we don't understand it, just be with it.  Soften into what you find harsh it will become softer. Trust in the experience.

Monday, February 25, 2019

Stepping Fully Into You, Don't wait for Approval or Permission

Yes... It's you! What I really mean is, it was me. Me, holding myself back, me in self doubt, me waiting for the approval or some sign from another, that I was ready?

I am not sure exactly where or how the shift happened. I give this same advice or talk to others often which rolls off the tongue so easy when applied to others. Before now, I hadn't  realized I had gotten past, beyond, and  stepped fully into my own, it's like a new awareness. There's no longer any lingering nerves, doubt, question, there's just moving forward with grace.  Everyone talks about that moment but I think it really comes down to this.

You are the only one that can make you ready. You are the only one that can fully step in. You are the only one that can calm the doubt, tell it to shut the hell up and push past... You ARE ALSO THE ONLY ONE THAT BENEFITS from all of this...

The truth is we never need anyone to believe in us... Only us, fully believing in ourselves. It's that belief in ourselves, that gives us the confidence to do all that we are meant to in this life. I kept waiting so this person or that, would believe or maybe this or that would happen. Maybe it would reassure me, a sign that I was ready, perhaps a feeling of needing permission to grow and take on a greater role in life. The truth... You will never be ready if you are waiting, so say yes.  Say yes to the invitations, giving permission to self, opening to greater things.

 I was laughing in my mind the other day while teaching as I realized that I was in fully, I had stepped into me. Teaching at once felt uncertain too, maybe even odd. No longer did that even exist. Like all things, that too had long since shifted.   It was never them that I needed, only me. All the doubt that ever existed was gone. I remembered other things that I started and that were once new, they felt the same at first. The feeling would fade as time moved forward, as my belief in myself shifted. If I were to offer advice on the subject matter now... I would say deeply listen, really deeply listen and if a voice of doubt arises tell it to quiet. You are stronger than you think, better than you give yourself credit for and you are ready... Don't let the MIND rule your life, take a deep deep breath in and allow the soul the spirit to rise up and out, to live fully.